How to create emphatic and loving relationships. You ask, I answer.

This is the first in a series of articles that I wrote, based on questions I receive. Please send me more questions ( wishyouhealthyrelationship@gmail.com) and, if you find this article useful, please like our page on Facebook ( https://www.facebook.com/communicationandmore ).

It is often said that in order to have a happy intimate relationship, we need to compromise. The other person gives up some, I give up some and that way we reach a point where you have two people who are giving up. With this article I’ll show you that there is a much better way.

Meet Janet and Mark (I changed the names to guarantee privacy). I work with Janet, as she is the one to realize that their relationship is fast steering towards the rocks. Janet and Mark have a business together.

Janet finds some of the things that Mark does, in his everyday dealings, very difficult to accept, and she is building up more and more resentment towards him as he seems, in her words: “not to care”.

Janet and I decide to work on one specific thing that Mark does and that she finds really, really hard to deal with.

According to Janet, Mark leaves his tools, such as screwdrivers, hammer, wrenches, etc...right in front of the entrance of their business, causing visual clutter and, sometimes, as screwdrivers have a tendency to roll, they create a situation where guests need to jump over them.

Janet tells me she has addressed this issue with Mark several times, with no change.

Over the weeks that we work together, we are able to clarify a few things:

First, that when Janet sees the tools by the entrance to the business, she gets disturbed because some of her basic human needs are not met, specifically:

beauty (she perceives them as ugly at the entrance)

harmony (similar to the above)

cooperation (Mark leaving tools there even after she addressed it with him)

consideration (this and all following needs, similar to the above)

inclusion

mutuality

to be heard

safety (clients could trip over them)

Secondly, that because of lots of similar events in their relationship, in which messages seem to get lost in the ether, her level of resentment has reached historical levels and that, if we want to put it on a time-scale, she is at 1 minute to twelve, in terms of quitting the relationship. On the other hand, she deeply cares about him and the relationship and is really, really desperate to find a way to communicate with him, as she realizes that she is not managing.

Thirdly, related closely to point number two, we are able to identify that her way of communicating is mostly based on threats. Even when she doesn’t use the actual words, she is still falling into the retaliatory formula: “if you don’t do this, I will do that”. Clearly, when we address anyone in this way, we get a protective reaction from them as they feel threatened, and their fight-flight-freeze mechanisms kick in.

With these three points, we were able to get quite some work done over a period of four weeks. We started by addressing point three: use of communication.

Janet was able to see that if she wanted to make headway, she needed to approach Mark with different communication skills. In particular, she needed to be able to develop different listening skills so that she would be able to relate to his basic human needs. Why is this important? Because when we meet at the level of basic human needs we are meeting on a level playing field, where the potential for human connection is extremely high. This level playing field is often referred to as empathy.

So, over the weeks we spent together, Janet was able to approach Mark with “big ears”, with the ability to actually, fully hear what he was saying about the tools being where he left them.

She was able to establish that this strategy that he chose was really used to fulfill his basic human needs for:

ease (having them close to him when he needs them)

self-expression (this and the ones below, related to the basic human needs for autonomy)

choice

freedom

independence

space

So can you notice how a very interesting thing is happening here? We have an almost mathematical equation being born here: we have narrowed things down to a few common denominators, a few basic human needs; basic human need that we all share and that we can relate to:

Janet has mostly needs for beauty and inclusion as most prominent ones, while Mark has needs for peace and autonomy as strong ones, in this moment of his life.

When we finally came to this point, it was easy to create some common working strategies between Jane and Mark. During one of the Skype get-togethers that Jane and I had, we started an exercise in creative thinking; in other words, we started creating a list of practical ways (strategies) that she could suggest to Mark, to fulfill the needs of both.

We started off the list with about 10 strategies and narrowed it down to about 2 or 3.

Now we were facing the moment of truth. Would Mark take to any of the strategies that Jane was about to suggest?

I was really keeping my fingers crossed and feeling intrepid, till our next meeting.

A week passed and we got back on tele-conferencing. I was waiting with excitement for news. Jane told me that, over the weeks that we had worked together, she had started to act quite differently with Mark. In a way,she was better able to see his “humanity” and to accept the points that she, until recently, had chosen to see as “flaws”.

By the same token, she was able to try and guess what his basic human needs were, after we built up a bit of “needs fluency” for her. In so doing, she was able to connect to him in a completely different way, coming from a point of love and care most of the time, without labeling Mark as “slob” or “lazy”. Furthermore, by doing this work, by exercising her mind in this way, she was able to come up with a strategy that worked for both:

The tools would, from now on, Mark agreed to this, be left at a certain distance from the door, in such a way that they would not be too prominent yet, in such a way that he could grab them without further ado.

I hope that this article has shown you how easy it is to connect, when there is will by at least one person to create deep and meaningful engagement, without the need to compromise by anyone.

If you would like to receive, for free, on a weekly basis our communication tips that could help you create crystal clear, misunderstanding free connections in situations like the one you just read about, then subscribe now ( https://people-and-communication.com/blog-archive/ ). If you prefer one-on-one sessions, I (Jerry) have always two free sessions available for you, that you can sign up for by emailing me ( wishyouhealthyrelationship@gmail.com ). We all look forward to speaking with you! The team of Online Academy for Communication.

Stand firm and don’t compromise (in romantic relationships)

It is often said that in order to create a viable relationship, we need to compromise. We are told that we need “to give some” and our counterpart needs to do as much. In fact, many principles of modern-day negotiation are based on this: “you give up some, I give up some” and the net result is that we have to unhappy parties who were unable to fulfill all their basic human needs.

The problem with this inefficient model is that it leaves two people (or more, if you are living an open relationship) feeling they "have left too much money on the table". And if this happens only once, well, I guess it is a case of forgive and forget. Yet, in most instances, we turn this “compromise and lose yourself in the relationship” model into an art, an art that in the long run leaves us – and the relationship - sad and empty, simply because we are not living to the full potential of ourselves and we are not living to the full potential of our relationship. How often, to my dismay, when sitting in restaurants, do I see those couples who have, clearly, been together for a long, long time, look past each other, in the distance, with nothing left to tell each other. How sad do I find that !

By now, I can almost hear you say: “this is all very well, yet what other options exist?”

To go into this world of options, I would like to introduce you to a few fundamental aspects that all too often get ignored about the “workings of humans” and to do so I’ll digress into the world of mobile/cell phones, yet, before that, let me start with a few points:

• Human beings are constantly trying to fulfill basic human needs, with any action we take, with any word we utter, with any thought we have. By the way, for those of you who, like me, are interested in the scientific evidence behind all this, feel free to e-mail me, and I will send you all the scholarly articles you may wish to read.
• Most of us are unclear on our own basic human needs, except for a few easily identifiable ones, such as, for example hydration. The action we take to fulfill that need for hydration, is drinking some fluid. This is a pretty obvious basic human need to any of us, so is the action/strategy we use. It gets trickier when we go out in the world and do other things. So let’s play together if you are willing to join me:
  • “What basic human needs are you trying to fulfill when you buy/get a contract with a mobile phone operator?”
    To help you find the answers to that question, here is a very simplified “wheel of basic human needs”. Try to see which broad category it fits in. Please share with all of us ! Leave a comment below in which category it fits for you. Is it participation?

  • 

    
    
    Illustration: Simple wheel of Max Neef's
     needs by V Nicolas and A McIntosh

     Or perhaps affection (a strategy to keep in touch with those you love)? Or is it creativity (you use your cell/mobile mostly to connect with your co-workers to share ideas)? Or perhaps all of the above? Share below and let’s start a conversation, ask us anything you’d like! 

Back to intimate relationships. And I am going to ask you the same question we had about mobile phones: “What basic human needs are you trying to fulfill when you get into an intimate relationship?”

Again you can use this simplified wheel of needs to find some of the basic answers and equally, I hope that by now you can see how useful determining your basic human needs can be to create clarity within ourselves as to why we pursue a particular action in life.

Let’s narrow it down a bit more and focus on the subject that I introduced in the title: “no compromises”.

It is a huge subject and here I have room only an introduction, so, if all this speaks to you and you wish to go into more depth, my team and I at the Online Academy for Communication would be delighted to introduce you to it, for free, in our tester course, which you can access here. In it you will learn, among other things, the importance of empathy and self-empathy to identify these basic human needs, so that you can go on in life, and create strategies that really work for you, as an individual. If then you wish to take it further, we would love to welcome you to our one-year certified course, during which we will share with you a much, much more detailed list of basic human needs, among many other things.

Let me come back to the “no compromises”. Once you have identified your basic human needs, and once your partner has identified their basic human needs, you can start sharing on a completely different level. At the level that all human beings share, of basic human needs. Now, we can emphatically relate to and connect with each other. So the question is now: “Why is this so useful?”

Because if I recognize in you the same “stuff” that is happening in me too, I can reach out to you and understand you, without putting you in the category of “the people who are coming in from the wrong angle” or, for that matter, without putting myself into the category of “the people with whom something is wrong”.

So, if nobody is “right” and nobody is “wrong”, then we have some kind of plane, level playing field in which we can recognize each other in our full capacity and in our full humanity. Two people, naked at the level of the inner workings, meeting with the deepest desire to connect and create a loving space between each other.

So, after this clarification, on to the next step:

Once we have been able to connect to each other at this level, we can let the strategies come into play.

What usually alienates us from one another is our “stuckness” in our position. We get entrenched. He does not yield. She does not yield. I do not yield.

Time for the great, big, old “however” here...

However...if I have been able to hear my basic human needs and you have been able to hear your basic human needs and we have been able to share them in an open, receptive and caring space, we are ready to move on and create strategies that work for us both. For example, if the problem was that “he 1” wants to go to the cinema with “he 2” and “he2” wants to go cycling instead, we have a situation of conflicting strategies, hence, in all likelihood two people who will fly into each other’s faces.

If on the other hand “he 1” and “he2” have acquainted themselves with each other’s basic human needs, they are both able to “sit down” and find joint strategies that accommodate all basic human needs of them both. Cinema and cycling do not exclude each other, rather, they can complement each other, at different times of the day. Voilà...new strategy that works for all found.

No compromises needed; all needs of all people involved are met. Is it really that simple? Yes, if there is a deep desire to connect with ourselves and the counterpart, by at least one party.

And to conclude this article, I know this might seem daunting at first; it’s like learning a new language so don’t worry, we will hold you by the hand. Join us now, the introduction is free and thank you so much for taking the time to read all this.

7 tips for healthy and harmonious romantic relationships

1. Love

I know this is stating the obvious. Love. However, love, as in unconditional love. Without judgments or other moralistic implications of rightness or wrongness about yourself or your partner. Create space for understanding and leave judgments outside of
your house door.

2.Genuineness

Simply put: be open with your partner at all times, on all subjects. For a relationship to be

considered healthy there should be genuineness between the two parties (or more partners, if you choose to have an open relationship). Being real in a relationship is when you do not hide anything from yourself and as a consequence you don’t hide anything from your spouse/partner. This level of intimacy with yourself and your counterpart promotes harmony and understanding between partners.

3. Honesty

Being an open book -very similar to genuineness- creates a clear space that makes it very difficult to have fights or misunderstandings. Honesty means taking full responsibility for our thoughts, for our actions and for our words and to learn and practice that, I invite you to join me, for two free practice concultations, which you can book right now, by clicking here.

4. Expressing your needs

Express your basic human needs to your partner to bring unequivocal clarity. Meeting at the level of basic human needs means finding our common human ground and makes misunderstandings nearly impossible. Basic human needs are, for example: self-expression, personal space, uniqueness, sharing, closeness, etc...

5. Compassion

Accept yourself without chastising or judging yourself. Accept your partner without chastising or judging them. Creating this kind of emphatic space dissolves any potential conflict quickly.

6. Empathy

“Walk in someone else’s shoes”. In other words, try to relate, emotionally, to what is happening within your partner. Are they perhaps feeling disappointed right now? Can you just hold their emotional pain, be there for them? Being heard, accepted and seen are strong basic human needs for many of us. The simple fact of being able to “open up space” for your partner in this non-judgmental, caring way can create a deep and intense bond.

7. Paraphrase

I like to call it, jokingly, parroting...What can paraphrasing do for you? Most of us have what in psychology is referred to as a “mental filter”. We interpret our world based on our own individual, biased standards. The words we hear, the images we see, the sounds we hear, the smells we smell...we give each and everyone of these sensual experiences meaning in our brain. By extension, often we filter the words of the counterpart to mean something quite different to what they were intending. Paraphrasing, repeating to them in our own words what we just believe we heard removes entirely the possibility for misunderstandings. 

If this article speaks to you, I invite you, once again, to join me for two free consultations, which you can book right now, by clicking here.